I can safely say I’m a pretty fair-weather gal. My interests and passions can change with the wind, and I find myself wanting to be a different type of artist and person.
One thing I know for sure, though, is that I want to have the freedom to choose. If I wake up and want to play the guitar and sing until my lungs burst, I want to be free to do so. And if in the middle of the day, I decide I’d much rather dance or write or draw, I want to be free to do that too.
It doesn’t sound possible some days, and it certainly never sounds easy.
I don’t have much experience as an adult, but I know life is different for everyone. No matter how hard someone works, it might not always work out. There’s always a risk and sometimes the risk doesn’t feel worth taking.
All too often, the easier route and the safer route are one in the same. But that doesn’t keep some people from trying. And if they fall, it doesn’t stop them from getting right-the-fuck-back-up and trying again.
I have trouble just having faith in myself. If I haven’t made it and let myself down this far, what makes me think the next time I try will be any different? But I trudge forward through all my own doubt because I know this one thing that I want and I need to go after it. And while I fight, I keep it to myself because I don’t trust people to not try to shut me down by saying something along the lines of, “That’s not realistic” or, “Grow up.”
If any of the world’s best and most admirable figures listened to something like that, they never would have been successful. Is living an amazing life unlikely because success only comes to a few lucky ones, like there’s some sort of generational quota that’s already been fulfilled, and that’s it for me?
Or is living an amazing life completely up to how I interpret it, how hard I’m willing to try, and how resilient I’m ready to be?
I’ve tried this blog thing about four times before coming to this one, and it (and I) still has a long way to go. I’ve tried freelance writing at least three times. I’ve tried to find the courage to put my feet in the water when it comes to starting businesses–because sure, investing everything you have into something that’s uncertain is nothing short of petrifying.
I’ve applied for jobs and gotten turned down, I’ve had my writing rejected, and the mere idea of me has even been rejected by a Facebook group that had thousands of members, just by a few measly questions. I’ve been told that I have to be reasonable; there’s no way that I’m going to make it if I don’t go the conventional route–and these people always mean well. But they have no faith in the world, and certainly no imagination. They only know what they’ve seen, and what they’ve seen isn’t exactly the happiness I want. It’s settling.
I imagine these were the people that told all of the world’s famous scientists and philosophers that they were crazy and they should stop wasting their time. There’s no telling how many people they actually managed to silence.
And maybe it’s because of mentalities like that, that success seems so few and far between.